Lawyers Ride To The Rescue After Passage Of Utah Pornography Law

Lawyers Ride To The Rescue After Passage Of Utah Pornography Law

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WELCOME TO THE “LATE SHOW.” I’M STEPHEN COLBERT. MAN, WINTER IS HERE.>>Jon: IT’S HERE.>>Stephen: EVERYBODY OKAY? EVERYBODY WARM ENOUGH?>>Jon: YEAH.>>Stephen: IT’S FREEZING. IT’S LIKE SIBERIA OUT THERE, AND
NOT JUST BECAUSE OUR NEW LEADER IS VLADIMIR PUTIN. ( LAUGHTER )
SPEAKING OF WHICH — EVERYBODY’S SAYING THAT RUSSIA
HACKED OUR ELECTION, SO, TODAY, SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN HELD A
HEARING WITH THE HEADS OF THE INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY. MCCAIN MADE IT CLEAR THE PURPOSE
OF THE HEARING WAS TO INVESTIGATE CYBER SECURITY, AND
NOT TO, “QUESTION THE OUTCOME OF THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.” YES, NOBODY’S QUESTIONING THE
OUTCOME. JUST QUESTIONING WHY GOD LETS
BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GREAT NATIONS. WHAT DID WE DO?! WE’RE SORRY! WE’RE SORRY! ( APPLAUSE )
REPORTERS ASKED IF MCCAIN HAS SHARED HIS CONCERNS ABOUT RUSSIA
WITH THE PRESIDENT-ELECT.>>SENATOR MCCAIN, HAVE YOU
DETERMINED WHY THE PRESIDENT-ELECT DOESN’T SHARE
THE SAME CONCERNS ABOUT RUSSIA AS MANY REPUBLICANS LIKE
YOURSELF ON CAPITOL HILL?>>NO, I DON’T KNOW. I HAVEN’T TALKED TO HIM.>>Stephen: YEAH, HASN’T
CAULKED TO HIM. MCCAIN’S JUST CHAIRMAN OF THE
SENATE ARMED SERVICES COMMITTEE. TRUMP’S TALKING TO THE IMPORTANT
PEOPLE, LIKE SENATOR KANYE. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: AND AT THE HEARING TODAY, EVERY HEAD OF THE U.S. INTELLIGENCE
AGENCIES TESTIFIED THAT RUSSIA WAS UNEQUIVOCALLY BEHIND THE
ELECTION HACK. BUT INSTEAD OF U.S. AGENCIES, UP
TILL NOW, TRUMP HAS BEEN TRUSTING WIKILEAKS FOUNDER AND
MIDDLE-AGED DRACO MALFOY, JULIAN ASSANGE. BUT THIS MORNING TRUMP TRIED TO
DISTANCE HIMSELF FROM ASSANGE, TWEETING, “THE DISHONEST MEDIA
LIKES SAYING THAT I AM IN AGREEMENT WITH JULIAN ASSANGE. WRONG. I SIMPLY STATE WHAT HE STATES,
IT IS FOR THE PEOPLE…” ( DEEP BREATH )
“…TO MAKE UP THEIR OWN MINDS AS TO THE TRUTH. THE MEDIA LIES TO MAKE IT LOOK
LIKE I AM AGAINST ‘INTELLIGENCE’ WHEN IN FACT I AM A BIG FAN!”
YES, BIG FAN! SUPER FAN! SUPER FAN! YES, DONALD TRUMP LOVES
INTELLIGENCE! AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, “IF
YOU LOVE SOMETHING, LET IT GO.” ( LAUGHTER )
THAT’S TRUE LEADERSHIP. I JUST TYPE ANY CLAIM YOU HEAR
AND LET PEOPLE DECIDE WHAT’S TRUE: “BILLY TOLD ME IF A BOY
AND A GIRL TOUCH BUTTS, THE GIRL GETS PREGNANT. TRUE? YOU DECIDE! SAD!”
( LAUGHTER )>>Jon: OH, OH.>>Stephen: NOT TRUE. THAT’S NOT TRUE, JON. THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS. YOU’VE GOT TO SHAKE HANDS, TOO. OR DO CIRCLE DOT COOTIE SHOT,
YOU’RE FINE.>>Jon: I THOUGHT IT WAS THE
STORK THAT COMES OUT.>>Stephen: YOU BELIEVE THE
STORK THING?>>Jon: YEAH.>>Stephen: NO, THEY’RE
EXTINCT.>>Jon: WOW.>>Stephen: IT’S SAD. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT WHERE WERE WE? OH, TRUMP. BUT HERE’S WHAT’S ALSO WEIRD
ABOUT TRUMP’S ASSANGE TWEET. HE TWEETED THE FIRST PART OF
THIS SENTENCE AT 8:25 A.M., BUT FINISHED THE THOUGHT 20 MINUTES
LATER. ( LAUGHTER )
HOW CAN HE HAVE PLAN FOR AMERICA WHEN HE DOESN’T HAVE A PLAN FOR
THE END OF THE SENTENCE? MR. TRUMP, IT’S TIME TO GET OFF
TWITTER AND STOP BEING SUCH A WHINY MOTHER… I’LL FINISH THAT WORD IN ABOUT
TWENTY MINUTES. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ♪
BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THE HACKING OF OUR DEMOCRACY, LET’S GET TO THE
BIG NEWS. FORMER AMERICAN IDOL RUNNER-UP,
BO BICE, SAYS HE WAS CALLED “WHITE BOY” AT POPEYE’S. THAT IS SHOCKING. THE ONLY APPROPRIATE TIME TO
CALL SOMEONE “WHITE BOY” IS WHEN YOU’RE INSTRUCTING THEM TO PLAY
THAT FUNKY MUSIC. (“PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC”)
♪ THAT’S AS FUNKY AS I CAN GET. I CAN FUNK ONE WORD — HEY!>>Jon: YEAH!>>Stephen: REALLY GOOD SONG. BASED ON A TRUE STORY. ( LAUGHTER )
APPARENTLY, BICE WAS IN THE ATLANTA AIRPORT WAITING FOR HIS
ORDER AT POPEYE’S — I’M GOING TO SAY “BUTTERFLY SHRIMP
TACKLEBOX”– WHEN, ACCORDING TO BICE, “THE THREE LADIES BEHIND
THE COUNTER ASKED WHOSE FOOD IT WAS. JUST WHEN I TURNED AROUND, ONE
OF THEM SAID ‘THAT WHITE BOY.’ IF TABLES HAD BEEN TURNED AND I
USED SOMETHING AS INSENSITIVE LIKE THAT, I WOULD BE BOYCOTTED. PEOPLE WOULDN’T BUY MY ALBUMS.” AND I DON’T EVEN WANT TO IMAGINE
A WORLD WHERE PEOPLE DON’T BUY BO BICE ALBUMS. ( LAUGHTER )
NO! BICE IS UPSET, BUT IT’S HARD TO
TELL.>>AND THE FACT THAT I’VE GOT TO
SIT ON TV AND COME DOWN A NOTCH AND LOOK LIKE A PETTY LITTLE
BRAT BY TWEETING AND FACEBOOKING THIS JUST TO OPEN UP DIALOG SO
WE CAN HAVE AN ADULT CONVERSATION IS RIDICULOUS —
AND AMERICA, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED.>>STEPHEN: YEAH, AMERICA. ( LAUGHTER )
ALL OF YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF WHAT THREE WOMEN WORKING AT
POPEYE’S DID. HOW DARE ALL OF YOU FORCE BO
BICE TO LOOK LIKE A PETTY LITTLE BRAT BY TWEETING AND FACEBOOKING
AND GOING ON TV TO CRY! I MEAN, WHAT OTHER CHOICE DID HE
HAVE? NOT BE ON TV? NO! YOU KNOW WHAT? HERE’S WHAT UPSETS ME MOST —
YOU PEOPLE AT POPEYE’S SHOULD KNOW HIS NAME. THAT’S BO BICE. YOU’RE AT A POPEYE’S. YOU SHOULD CALL HIM SOMETHING
FUN LIKE “RED BEANS AND BICE!” OR “BO BISCUITS!” OR “THE
AMERICAN FRY-DOL!” NOW, I AM WHITE AND I AM A BOY. I’M ABOUT THE WHITEST BOY YOU’RE
EVER GOING TO MEET. JOHN, HAVE YOU MET ANYBODY
WHITER THAN ME?>>Jon: YEAH, I THINK I KNOW
SOMEBODY.>>Stephen: WHO?>>Jon: A GUY I GREW UP WITH.>>Stephen: WHAT’S HIS NAME.>>Jon: ANDY.>>Stephen: YOU KNOW ANDY,
THAT WHITE GUY?>>Jon: YEAH.>>Stephen: WE MEET AT THE
WHITE MEETING. YEAH, I KNOW ANDY. ( LAUGHTER )
I JUST WANT TO SAY, POPEYE’S, CALL ME WHATEVER YOU WANT —
WHITE BOY, NINO BLANCO, COMMANDER MAYONNAISE — WHATEVER
— ANDY — JUST WHENEVER MY ORDER IS READY, GET THE
BUTTERFLY SHRIMP INTO THE CHEW HOLE! ( LAUGHTER )
SPEAKING OF WHITE BOYS, UTAH. ANY UTAH FANS HERE? ( ONE OR TWO CHEERING )
>>Stephen: THAT’S ABOUT RIGHT. ARE THERE ANY PORN FANS HERE? ( CHEERING )
WELL, BRACE YOURSELF, BECAUSE UTAH STATE SENATOR TODD WEILER
HAS ANNOUNCED A BILL THAT WILL GIVE PEOPLE THE ABILITY TO SUE
PORNOGRAPHERS, IN AN ATTEMPT TO PROVE THAT WATCHING THEIR
PRODUCT CAUSES EMOTIONAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL DAMAGE. FINALLY, IT’S WELL-KNOWN THAT
PORN CAUSES PSYCHOLOGICAL DAMAGE. MOSTLY FOR THE PIZZA DELIVERY
GUY, WHO JUST WANTS TO DO HIS JOB AND DELIVER THE PIE. LADIES, FOR THE LAST TIME, IT’S
NOT A EUPHEMISM — EXTRA SAUSAGE IS JUST A TOPPING! SENATOR WEILER SAYS THE PORN
INDUSTRY IS A PUBLIC MENACE AND SHOULD BE OPEN TO LAWSUITS
BECAUSE, RIGHT NOW, PORN IS AVAILABLE WITHOUT ANY WARNINGS
AND LABELING. IT’S TRUE. IT IS TIME TO LABEL PORN! HOW ELSE WILL PEOPLE FIND
“MATURE REDHEADS ON FARM EQUIPMENT,” OR “SEXY LADY
BLACKSMITHS?” POINT IS, IF THIS BILL PASSES,
PEOPLE WILL BE ABLE TO SUE THE PORN INDUSTRY FOR DAMAGES, AND
LAWYERS ARE ALREADY STANDING BY TO HELP. I SAW THIS AD TODAY. LET ME SEE IF I’VE STILL GOT IT
ON THE OLD T BILL.>>HI THERE. HAS THIS HAPPENED THE TO YOU? YOU’RE ENJOYING A CLASSIC FILM
ABOUT SORORITY SLUT HOUSE ONLY FOR IT TO TURN OUT THE TO BE
PORN AND YOU SUFFER EMOTIONAL TRAUMA?>>WE’VE ALL BEEN THERE
SOMETIMES THREE OR FOUR TIMES A DAY. YOU NEED TO CALL GALINO AND
FARNS. OUR TRIAL ATTORNEYS ARE TRAINED
TO DEAL WITH ALL TYPES OF PORNOGRAPHY. INCLUDING THERMAL INVERSION.>>THE SCORPIONS REUNION TOUR. BIG BANG THEORY. GIRL ON GIRL. UY. DUCK ON HORSE. MUSTARD ON HOT DOG. AND OF COURSE, MALCOLM IN THE
MIDDLE. SO PICK UP THE PHONE WITH YOUR
FREE HAND, DON’T MASTER WAIT. CALL TODAY! ♪ PORNOGRAPHY ATTORNEYS ♪
♪ 1-800-69 ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR TONIGHT. ADAM DRIVER IS HERE! SO STICK AROUND.

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