We begin tonight with an update on the
story we’ve been following all week. Hannah Stevenson, a 16-year-old girl from
Detroit accused of stabbing a classmate to death with a screwdriver last month.
At her arraignment this afternoon, Hannah received the harshest possible
sentencing from the judge. She will be tried as a black adult. Due to the extreme and violent nature of
this crime this court finds it fitting to try the defendant as an African-American. Henceforth, you’ll be referred to by
the jury by the name Mendel Brown. Once the trial begins next week all courtroom
images of Hannah will depict her as a 300-pound muscular black man
and jury members will be instructed to imagine her as such. We’re going to do our best to make sure
that Hannah is treated with the sympathy and sensitivity that she,
as a photogenic white girl, deserves. This is America.
Nobody deserves to be treated as a black man. Now that Hannah has been ruled black,
the court has instructed local media to assume she’s guilty and
the police have retroactively charged her with her assaulting her arresting officer. Hannah’s two dozen character witnesses
have been replaced by a single crack addict who goes by the name of Scags.
Hannah’s parents are of course planning to appeal the ruling saying that their
daughter should at most be tried as a black celebrity or a stunningly
beautiful Filipino lady. Every time I hear a story like that, it makes
me so glad I’m exempt from the legal system. When you follow FactZone’s Brooke Alvarez
you’re following the news anchor with more stalkers than any other major
network onscreen personality. If you are watching Brooke
Alvarez, you’re not alone. FactZone on the Onion News Network.