Jordan Peterson – Finding a Partner and the Role of Personality

Jordan Peterson – Finding a Partner and the Role of Personality

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We’ve got a hypothesis that we’re still working out That’s supported to some degree by the relevant literature So imagine that you’re looking for a stable partner, you might think What do you want in a stable partner and at least in principle? One of the things you don’t want is too much mismatch between you and that person on the five fundamental dimensions So for example if you’re really extroverted and you have a really introverted partner You’re going to engage in continual conflict about how much social activity the two of you should subject yourself to and it’s very very difficult for people who Broadly differ on those dimensions to come to consensus because it’s not just a matter of opinion, right? It’s really a matter of different And if you’re looking [at] extremes of really different types of people and [the] thing about introverts is they just don’t enjoy Large scale social interaction that much, one-on-one they’re often fine But in a group they don’t like that and it tires them out whereas a real extrovert It’s like you isolate them and and they just wither on the vine because a huge part of what actually motivates them in a positive Way is tangled up with social interaction, and so if you’re an agreeable person, and you have a particularly Disagreeable partner you’re also going to run into problems because the agreeable person will say whatever you want whenever and A disagreeable person will say “well I’d like to know what the hell you want for a change” [and] be much more harsh and much more demanding in the situation and the agreeable person is going to find the disagreeable person harsh and unpleasant and the Disagreeable person is going to find the agreeable person Wishy-Washy and unable to stand up for themselves and again that’s actually one of the primary sources of tension between men and women because women tend to be higher in agreeableness than men it’s about half a standard [deviation] which is quite quite quite a quite a large difference by psyChological standards and so What that means, I probably haven’t got the statistic quite right, But [I] think I’ve got it about right what that means fundamentally just so you have some sense of how large An effect that is, is that if you Have a group of men and women and you pick out random pairs the woman is going to be more agreeable than the man [60%] of the time so that’s not an overwhelming Proportion, but it’s reliable and it’s quite It’s quite large by psychological standards, so there’s the problem with agreeableness, with conscientiousness well if you’re conscientious, you’re industrious and orderly and Orderly people seem to be sensitive to disgust which is something we’ll talk about in detail later. We’ve had a hard time specifying exactly What makes industrious people industrious because it’s hard to come up with an animal model for that sort of thing And there’s no theoretical model, but our latest Idea is that, it’s not my idea. It’s actually the idea of my graduate student Christine brophy, is that industrious people find it Unpleasant and unsettling to to not be doing something so it isn’t so much that Industriousness makes them happy or fills them with positive emotion that would be more extraversion right because extraversion is the positive emotion dimension It’s [that] industrious people can’t stand sitting around doing nothing, and you know, this is speculation but you know human beings are obviously always engaged in the exchange of labor especially the reciprocal exchange of [labor] and you can imagine that In a in a community where everyone knows everyone the people who work hard are going to be pretty irritated on a fairly chronic basis with the people who are completely unproductive and My suspicions are that plenty of people who are completely unproductive in the history of the evolution of our species were [wiped] out by [people] who were unhappy with their lack of productivity generally speaking human beings have this sense of ethical obligation with regards to one another to share labor and People who are conscientious really really feel that so they feel bad if they’re not busily working on something That’s productive all the time and so the advantage to being with someone conscientious is well They’re going to work like mad, but the disadvantages is [they’re] they’re going to work like mad so You know if you’re looking for a partner that you want to relax with or have fun with or who isn’t Uptight then a conscientious person is probably not a very good choice. On the other hand if you’re a conscientious person, and you’re living with someone who’s really unconscious That’s good because they might be able to help you relax But you’re not going to be happy with them because they don’t work nearly as hard as you do But even worse on the orderly dimension, you know some of you have had roommates, and maybe you’re more orderly than your roommate What does it mean? Means you’re annoyed by mess before they are and you don’t have to be annoyed by mess much before you’re less orderly roommate for you to be the one that’s always running around picking things up and So actually one of the things that’s emerged from the psychometric analysis Is that women are slightly more orderly than men and I suspect that has something to do with the, What would you call it? inequitable distribution of housework, imagine that Your proclivity is to be triggered by disorder twenty five seconds before your partner’s. It doesn’t take much difference for you to be the one that’s always concerned about the mess first, so anyways And so if you’re a really orderly person, and you live with a disorderly person well good luck getting along with them they’re going to regard you [as] like uptight and and over concerned with details and and And well and unwilling to relax that’s for sure and they’re going to regard you as well Just a bloody mess, and how can anyone possibly live with someone like you and so So another reason why it’s useful to understand your personality is because I think it gives you a better Crack at finding someone that you can actually live with over the long-run and I don’t think you want to live with someone who’s exactly like you because Then both [of] you have the same strengths and weaknesses and there’s a bit of a problem there right because [maybe] an agreeable person can use a bit of Disagreeable person around them to balance each other out and vice versa right so we don’t understand the optimal balance for for for long term thriving in a relationship But I think we do understand the fact that if you’re too different in your traits and where you’re different, it is going to constitute a chronic source of Conflict

100 thoughts on “Jordan Peterson – Finding a Partner and the Role of Personality

  • kristina hewer Post author

    How can one see these talks in their entirety?

  • jammie1882 Post author

    very fucking interesting

  • yeagemk Post author

    Who here had Peterson as their Professor? Would love to hear your experience!

  • La Reina de Corazones Post author

    When i see this videos i feel like ill mever find my futuru husband😂😂 bit ill be better alone than with a bad one. Keep praying. God listens

  • Big Chesse Post author

    Pay for sex it's cheaper. No headaches. No emotion. No fighting over BS

  • one H Post author

    this is not about a partner this is about this place being shit and missy knowing that so taking any cock she can get along the way till it's over

  • Connor Post author

    My Grandparents are the exact opposite; no similar interests and yet they managed to survive as a married couple for 56years now. The reason for that is, that even though they fight a lot they improved each other IMMENSELY

  • Nurali Kushkov Post author

    Which talk is this from, anyone can help identify pls? 🙂

  • Kar3n Post author

    All good points. In my case I consider my self a social introverted person. If I had a extrovert partner. first I know family & friend gatherings are going to be important so I can work it out. House stuff can be worked out. I would be willing to meet him half way every time. Is a matter of communication and maturity. Things I don't agree with I put my foot down.

  • People Health Truth Post author

    Need #1 Same moral values #2 Masculine male and feminine female (not feminist) #3 personality compatibility

  • Albert Gracious Post author

    Ladies and gentleman, find your ideal long-term partner below among the sub comments:

    1. I encourage you all to post a short biography of yours and a clear map of your character traits.
    2. if you find someone with characteristics you are looking for, hit them up!

  • Danny Sullivan Post author

    666K views called me

  • Ella May Sophia-The Peace Influencer Post author

    This is very true, I think its so important to find the right partner that matches you totally.

  • Jonathan Dong Post author

    He's brilliant. I think he explains it very well.

  • LEMMON 714 Post author

    He explained me so well as i came out in 97th percentile conscientious

  • Low-Fi Records/Holyfield Post author

    I can't think as fast as he is talking…

  • Sean White Post author

    He dresses like a UK 🇬🇧 politician.

  • Clover Post author

    why the fuck are they all with computers?

  • artawesome30 Post author

    0:35 Engage in*. Sorry but an opportunity to 1-up Jordan at literally anything is an opportunity I will take

  • Johnathan Post author

    2:15 60% of the time it works everytime

  • Don Szuti Post author

    I'm a religious conservative hillbilly. Any match? 😀

  • Amir Post author

    Great video

  • Madhra AL Post author

    Appreciate the difference

  • Ted Phillips Post author

    The weirdest thing I've ever heard about common factors in long term relationships is similar pancreas size !!! How the heck did researchers come up with that ?

  • Emanuel Magalhães Fróes Post author

    What does he talk about…!

  • lil slope Post author

    I dont get what the fuck this foo trynna say 😂😂🤮 shlatt this guy old and gonna be dead soon

  • Jason Smith Post author

    Peterson is too awesome. He should be knighted immediately, so the standard of 'knighthood' in the modern age has a real meaning…Mostly, it has more to do with popularity…which is closely resembling incompetence…see McGuinty/Wynne/Trudeau for reference.

  • cristian luna Post author

    Absolutely!!! I think this is the main reason why I always tended to go for personality instead of looks.ofcourse being attracted to a person is one thing and loving them is liking who they are as a whole instead of just looks.

  • Austin Little Post author

    I've always thought introverts don't really exist. They're just extroverts in waiting. Socializing is good for you, seems unnatural for it to drain you of energy.

  • trakrekkid Post author

    I think some traits need to match more than others. Agreeable/disagreeable don't match, lazy and hard working don't match (ie conscientiousness). But I'm pretty extroverted and can still date introverts fine. Your partner doesnt have to participate 100% in your social life.

  • Shiroyasha Post author

    3:42 I shed a tear for my brethren.

  • A V Post author

    Why does he have do much hate in his eyes?

  • Raghu Veer Post author

    I'm – Introverted

    My ex was the exact opposite. Needless to say, we were constantly fighting. She'd call me uptight and boring. I'd say she was irresponsible and immature.

    Wish I had this guidance sooner

  • Tommy O Post author

    I like how he uses his students theories or theories of anyone who he thinks can make sense and be practical

  • Hashim Khan Post author

    Surely we can change our personalities. I used to be introverted now not so much

  • Michael Roditis Post author

    Why do I believe that men are higher in agreeable – ness

  • Diego Neuskens Post author

    This dude is such a mature ENTP. In a time of my life when I was my best version, I talked just like him and didn't even know him yet.

  • Aaron Tkachuk Post author

    Shoutout to all the social-verts!

  • Rajdeep Ghosh Post author

    This should be taught in school colleges

  • Stephen Wu Post author

    It’s amazing how you can keep listening feeling like you’ve never heard anyone articulate what you’ve been thinking the whole time…

  • Cry Wolf Post author

    I’m such an extroverted person and I once dated an introvert and I gotta tell you the relationship didn’t even last for four months cause of the gap between us

  • My Old Farmhouse Post author

    the orderly/unorderly…beware the boyfriend who will wait you out so you end up doing all the work!

  • Leanne Marie Post author

    The funny thing is all the extroverts out there think there is something wrong with the introverts when they don’t want to socialize…..

  • zadose Post author

    If you're very selfish, not responsible, and don't want to sacrifice, don't bother dating, don't bother with marriage…. not hating on you, but you'd be a horrible person to have relationship with, you're better off being alone.

  • Dj DOM Post author

    So pretty much nobody is compatible with each other.. too different, or too much the same. I constantly search for the answers as to why I'm still single at this age, which admittedly has mostly been my own decision. I watch Jordan Peterson alot (among others), just trying to find an answer.. that I still haven't found.

  • hmtp177 Post author

    For the first time I disagree with Dr. Peterson. As long as both understand each other personality it will be manageable. In fact it os hard to stay too long with a perdon who is a lot like you. People who are of different in personalities compensate for the flaws of each other and complement each other. My wif is super orderly Im not, I learn to be more organized with her, and she learned how to be more relaxed. It takes a lot of work though. However you grow a lot.

  • Stefania Post author

    Any ENFJs like me in the audience? I'm extroverted, agreeable, industrious, orderly

  • Steven Bowser Post author

    I think part of love is being able to overcome these kinds of differences in an intimate relationship. You don't stick with someone just because they make you feel good, you stick with them because you love them, that is to say, you have chosen to love them and remain committed to them no matter what.

  • shohna Post author

    It seems to me people tend to end up with their opposites, not in every measure, i.e. of the big 5, but when it comes to many of the big 5 measurements, including introverted vs extroverted and conscientious vs non-conscientious, as well as attachment style (i.e. an ambivalent with an avoidant). That seems to happen often, at least anecdotally– from my own experience.

  • Gulizara Roth Post author

    Don't waste your time trying to change dead man, find someone who still alive and willing to change for better.

  • randi ortan Post author

    I think even if a couple have different perspectives, their relationship could actually work pretty fine if they take the time to talk it out, on the other hand and this is couples modern issue, is they start with a pretty good chemistry and cummon ground but not communicating on a deep level on the long run destroys the relationship.

  • Ian M Post author

    i can't stand sitting around. cause i'm sitting.

  • DavidKFZ Post author

    Are these traits malleable?

  • DavidKFZ Post author

    I’d have to agree with his undergrads hypothesis of industriousness – I can’t stand being inactive. Productivity is of huge importance to me (I feel bad watching this video)

  • Patrick Bateman Post author

    I’m an introvert but I much prefer interacting in a group than one on one, just with one other person is the most awkward imo

  • Sally Ngo Post author

    Being a neurotic extrovert sucks. I love spending time with people, but I always get anxious that they hate me.

  • Kyle C Post author

    Is U of T in Asia?

  • Stylish Loser Post author

    We are opposite in the 4 traits now i am worried XD

  • Lukas King Post author

    Lol, who told you your ultimate rule, that heaving children is the most important Thing in the World.? Sorry but that ist so stupid.

  • Tyson Post author

    Basically,the doc is saying he doesn’t have a statistical clue how the hell intimate relationships work successfully over a lifetime 👫

  • High Pressure Post author

    No conflict if she does the fuk want she's told.

  • Seaileanu Post author

    Just give me an Asian wife.

  • Dario Spirit Post author

    I wonder if Jordan Peterson votes?
    That would kinda show how intelligent he really is 🤔

  • beniceffs Post author

    Trouble is, people change so what might be ok early on, one of you may mature/change when the other doesn't and voila, incompatibility! Couple that with the Venus/Mars problemo and well, good luck! From my observation the man wants to keep his woman as she was and the woman changes. The woman wants to change her man and he stays as he was.

  • Penelope Hunt Post author

    He's just explained life in Africa

  • Martin Christian Post author

    you just have to accept who they are. for fuck sake. not hating but he is not all that.

  • Manuel Gallego Post author

    I would love to recieve an honorary degree in theoretical sociology with a minor in underwater basket weaving from the University of Jordan Petersen.

  • 00MrPanda00 Post author

    Alone forever 😭

  • Ana Ayana Post author

    What he is trying to say is " marry a person who is your opposite from you and make your life interesting and he somehow doesn't like to explain things clearly , make things
    Complicated and confusing and he. Knows that himself. But failed in front of me.
    So according to him, as a girl I should marry a man who is organised ,stable , normal behavior and well known and having a good – clear image guy which will make my life better. My foot. You marry someone who has Respect for you and makes you happy and can have life with friendly behavior. According to him if I marry a complete opposite guy what is going to happen is I am going to be bored and I won't have a will to be in relationships. My behavior is quite tomboy type , I am calm outside but storm goes inside me and people think me crazy …..well somehow I think his logic is useless…..

  • Code 68 Post author

    Sociability, Agreeability, Productivity

  • Lidija Cullen Post author

    Subject yourself to a social activity peopleeeee

  • Kevin Fuk The Token Evil Teammate Post author

    If you want to research about the Four Attachment Styles of Love, here are the list

  • ArcanePath360 Post author

    Women are more agreeable than men?
    Sorry JBP, but you lost me for once.

  • V IE Post author

    I disagree with JBP. I know entitlement has corrupted this country sometime when the financial world started growing before Silicon Valley was known for tech.

    I’ve felt blessed to have a partner before objectifying women as a rapist straight man. That being said, technically speaking it is I who has been raped by all my partners…… let that sink in.

  • Random Person Post author

    Imagine Jordan Peterson explaining this at a bar as his pick up line to his wife when they met.

  • Vance Biondo Post author

    Contientios or un.. balence is the . Desired.. prefrence.. I WANT IT CV ALL QUEEN☝️

  • Guider Post author

    These are classes that he diserts in University? I would pay extra to have him as a professor

  • Masha’er Asiri Post author

    can you add an arabic language to the captions of the video?

  • F H Post author

    So what Jordan is saying is "you need to be made for each other".

  • SJA Post author

    Personality compatibility.

  • tweety DX Post author

    I wish i could be one of your students.

  • Kyle Post author

    I wish my college courses were this interesting. Might have stayed.. community college..

  • Bean she Post author

    Do t believe true love is possible

  • Samuel Champion Post author

    My dude rely's too much on bullshit psychological research. Fact . They have no model. They have ideas. They then find evidence for those ideas. Confirmation bias with no model. The big question is how good is the sex?

  • Jack McCabe Post author

    Imagine being one of those poor assholes who have to take notes from this ubermensch in real time, without a pause button

  • SHA NU Post author

    I dont know am introvert or extrovert.i like both

  • SHA NU Post author

    I dont know am introvert or extrovert.i like both

  • John Lee Post author

    Women are slightly more orderly than men.
    My girlfriend does not agree.

  • Ben Shields Post author

    Great job JP keep up the good work.

    -Comment 666

  • Valerie Yoder Post author


  • Plastic Gorilla Post author

    This guy sounds like Kermit

  • HintofPink Post author

    How can you pay tuition, sit in one of the most influential professors of our time’s classes, sit in the front row, and still be on your phone?

  • Mike Druce Post author

    2:48 – shout out to that girl pretending to type on how keyboard when Peterson is around. Lol.

  • Hugo Clarke Post author

    I agree with necessity of sharing a certain "relativity" with your partner, whereby there is just enough difference to create spark and mutual interest, learn from one another, but ultimately have a strong mutual understanding and be on the same page fundamentally.

    However idk if the Big 5 are a good reference for this. In fact, I'm not a fan of that to begin with. From what I've learned, relationships are all about communication and honesty, which everyone knows but can't be stated enough. The more effort that goes into these things, the more realistically you can save relationships which have a sense of conflict at their core due to those subtle on the surface yet profound differences on the biological level.

  • P O W E R - R E D - B U L L Post author

    I disagree with Jordan Peterson on this. While in fact it may "seem" ideal to be closer to your ideal partner on such spectrums, the problem is that in reality people are more often attracted to their opposites. While one might think this attraction may not be the best possibility and thus must be avoided, the thing is that this attraction towards the opposite is what balances us out. People who are more similar will not find eachother attractive, just like there's typically a huge difference in what in males and females. They're more opposite than the same usually. Although this is not about gender, the same principe is at work here. It's about seeking what balances you out, rather than seeking more of the same. Guys who are friendzoned, are usually too similar to the women they desire. Not too different.
    Also if you look at couples in real life that work effortlessly (look around in your own family or friends) the people with the best relationships are usually very different. Introverts feel atttracted to extroverts, agreeable to less agreeable etc. Sure, the result is that in the relationship the less agreeable person will get their way more often, but the thing is that this is the desire of both partners . At least indirectly – since if you would literally ask them, they would both say they want it more equal. It's all about differences, rather than similarties.

  • Sam Camps Post author

    that’s a lot of words to state the obvious

  • Leonardo Bruno Post author


  • A Aron Post author

    comment about industrious people is correct. my father is highly industrious.. it doesn't make him happy, it's a matter of compulsion to be doing something

  • Terri Register Post author

    “Women’s "empowerment" and women’s abandonment are two sides of the same coin; you never get one without the other. This is because an empowered woman will necessarily drive a man away since a man cannot contribute to a woman safely or effectively when the woman is ‘in charge '. There are men who will be attracted to an empowered woman and these are the men who want to abandon women, who don’t want to provide for and protect women. These men will prefer an "empowered" woman so that they will be ‘off the hook’ in terms of their duties as men.”  

    The truth of the matter is that feminism has never spoken for all women. They have created this mess we have now and made men not want to take on any personal responsibilities for women. So now women have to take on a man’s burdens as well as putting up with their traditional ones. Marriage and divorce have become a never-ending war between the sexes. First, it’s a marriage where both spouses fight over who does what and women whining and complaining about “having” to work.

  • J 2004 Post author

    What if the guy was an excellent actor before the wedding, portraying himself as organized and disciplined and then became lazy after the wedding???

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