O Lord, Iíve got a battle coming
up with the Ammonites. Iím really gonna need to carry
out a massive slaughter. So I figured that, since thatís your specialty,
you’re the person to turn to for help. Ammonites, eh?
Hm, fancy that! Just recently I sold my beloved people,
the Israelites, into their hands. O- oh, is that what this is about? Well, yes, Lord. Your beloved people
are asking you to help them. No. I told them: ìI will deliver you no more!î And I donít lie, ever! So, no. Pleeeeeeeeeease? Okay, sure. So, are we gonna
be killing just armies of men or are there gonna be women
and children killed, too? Oh, I donít know.
Why does that matter? Yeah, see, I need to start taking
care of this sort of thing. I donít want any atheists saying that I ever
killed women and children indiscriminately. But you do! What about when you told
that guy to go through Jerusalem and ìslay utterly old and young, both maids
and little children, and women?î Yeah, I know, I know. Iíve ordered that babies be
killed, and Iíve even killed them myself directly. But in every case they WERE evil
babies who deserved it, okay? Itís important that people know that I only
order the death of evil and stubborn people and usually for the heinous crime of just not getting
the hell out of the way of my real estate dealings! Well, the Ammonites ARE requesting
that we give them their land back. AAAARRRGH!!!
BASTARDS!!! But Lord, Iím planning on conquering about
twenty cities. Like what Joshua did. Joshua! Ho ho!
What a great man! All I had to do was just unfairly
manipulate each battle in his favor and heíd exterminate every living thing, in
city after city! If it breathed, it died! Ho! In fact, have you ever met
anyone from the city of Libnah? No. Have you ever met anyone
from the city of Lachish? No. – Gezer?
– No. – Hebron? Debir?
– No. – Kadesh Barnea? Gaza?
– No. – Goshen? Eglon? Gibeon?
– No. Of course you havenít! No people
from those cities exist anymore! ícause Joshua killed every single man,
woman, child and baby alive in them! Exactly as I, the Lord God of
Israel, had commanded him! So why are you worried about me maybe
killing some more babies if it comes to that? Well, itís public relations, see? Atheists are
always gonna try to point to my evil acts and use them to try to
make me look, well, evil. I mean, are you planning to use your sword to
slice apart any pregnant women on this one? Well, thatís an interesting idea. Yeah, yeah, itís a threat I
like to use against people. But I just canít stand it
when my enemies do it! I mean, what part of ìThou shalt not
kill!î do people not understand? Mh. What about when your own
people, the Israelites, do it, Lord? Well, king Menahem sliced
apart pregnant women. I didnít like it, but I didnít think it was worth
him losing his job over it, so I just did nothing. Right. So, are you
gonna help me, then? Oh, that reminds me: Is there gonna be any dashing
of babies against rocks in this campaign of yours? Lord, look, I donít think you need to
worry about me doing that, okay? Can we talk about
the Ammonites? Yeah, yeah, look, I guess
Iíd have to say that if you can avoid deliberately smashing babiesí
skulls apart on rocks, Iíd prefer that. Even though my book does suggest that
it is potentially a source of happiness. Yeah, okay, okay.
So, Lord, the Ammonites? Yeah. I havenít slaughtered Ammonites before.
This will be something new. Actually, the closest I came
to harming the Ammonites was when I sent a left-handed man
to visit the king of one of their allies and stab him in the guts
with a double-edged sword, causing him to shit
himself and then die. Hahahaha! Anyway, letís get to work on this AmmoniteÖ
Ooh, hold on, Jephthah! You nearly tricked me! Whatís in it
for me if I help you out on this? If you got nothing to give me in return,
then, frankly, you can go know yourself. Hmm, something in returnÖ I assume that you mean
a sacrifice of some sort. Mh, mh, keep talking!
Whaddya got? I know just what
you want, Lord! Oooh! Goody! Goody! I promise, Lord, to do good and to share, for
with such sacrifices you are well-pleased. Jephthah! Wake up! I donít value things like that!
Not yet, anyway. I want what I usually want:
the ritualistic death of living things! When I helped out Moses, he killed me
818 animals and 32 human virgins. Oh, the odor ó so pleasing! Well, I donít have that
much to offer, Lord. My half-brothers kicked me out of the
family because my mother was a whore. So Iíve only got my wife and
kid and a couple of servants. Ohhh. Just a couple of
servants and a kid, huh? Yeah, yeah, and my wiÖ
Oh, youíre thinking of my servants. Oh, erm, I donít expect youíd
like them much, Lord. Theyíre a bit old, pretty lazy,
not much good anyÖ Er, this kid of yours ó boy or girl? Errr, a daughter. Um, actually, now that
I think of it, Lord, my servants really are good, very
righteous, hard-workingÖ Married? Yes, they are! I bought them already
married, two for the price ofÖ No, no, I mean
your daughter. Oh, erm, no, sheís not. Um, Lord, youíre not suggesting
that I sacrificeÖ? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
I never said anything! You know itís completely against my character
to desire that children be killed, ever! If you think that I tolerate the
killing of innocent children, then youíve totally misinterpreted everything
Iíve clearly stated in my book! Either that or read a version that was
mistranslated from the original Hebrew. Frigginí translators! Why donít they ever
mistranslate bits to make me look extra-nice? They always turn me into a sick, unjust, cruel, violent,
mass-murdering psychopath, when Iím, Iím, erÖ Oh, actually, I am.
Hm, anyway. Now back to you
and your sacrifice. You make me an offer. If itís something that I
want, then Iíll help you. But if, say, you were to make some
kind of immoral or unethical offer ó something that violated basic conceptions
of love, fairness and justice ó then, of course, I wonít accept that and I would clearly and unequivocally
chastise you for even making such an offer. Oh, yeah, yes, of course, Lord! I would never even think
of offering you something that would make you look immoral,
bloodthirsty or evil, were you to accept it. So I tell you what: If you help
me slaughter the Ammonites, I promise that whatsoever cometh forth
of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from
the children of Ammon, shall surely be the Lordís, and I
will offer it up for a burnt offering. (gasps)
A burnt offering?! Something from his house,
possible human sacrifice, couple of servants,
wife and a daughter. I like those odds! Jephthah, Iím
going to help you! Yeah, but címon, Lord!
You donít really intend toÖ? Babababa! Címon, címon,
letís talk strategy. You and I have got some
butchering to do! Okay, come on, servant.
Come on, servant. Iím home! Daddy! Daddy! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Oh no! I told you his daughter would be
the first thing to come out of his house! Stupid deal, Lord! Yeah, now one of us has to go
down and stop the sacrifice. Like when Abraham was
about to kill HIS only child. Shall I go now, Lord? Really, Lord, as soon as youíre ready.
Just give the word and weíre there! Yeah, and now would be
the perfect time to say: ìOkay, Gabriel, go down there once again and
stop that awful human sacrifice from happening, ìbecause such things are unambiguously
evil and offend my perfect moral standard!î Oh, wait, er, sheís going off into
the mountains with her friends to, umÖ Hm, it looks like sheís
bewailing her virginity. Sheíd be better off trying to
lose it while she has the chance. Yeah, buys us some time, though. How long is she gonna be? Probably a couple
of months, Lord. Aw, I donít wanna wait! Iím the Lord of time and space! Iím gonna fast-forward it to
see whatís happens next. Oh, two months Earth-time
have passed. Sheís back! Look! Jephthah has made a
sacrificial pyre to burn her on! Shall I go now,
Lord Yahweh? Lord? Uh, shall I go
now and safe her life? Since you donít approve
of human sacrifice, ever? And only false gods such as Molech
would ever demand such a thing, which, according to your believers, justifies so many
of the holy genocides youíve helped Israel commit? Sheís on the chopping block,
Lord! Send me now! Iím so sorry. (screams) You know, Iím gonna see to it that Jephthah is
recognized and remembered as a man of great faith. Do you know, before he dies, heís gonna be
responsible for around 42,000 more deaths? Ha! Heís a hero! Did you not see what you
just let happen here? Of course I did! But what just happened
here was justified! How?! Oh, look, I canít be bothered
explaining it! Iím busy! Just ask my devoted and
well-informed followers! Theyíll be happy to explain to you exactly
how and why this was perfectly acceptable! Right? Subtitles by
Tom S. Fox