If Law & Order: SVU was Southern

If Law & Order: SVU was Southern

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NARRATOR: In the culinary justice system, culinary based offenses are considered especially heinous. The dedicated detectives who investigate these crimes are known as the Southern Vittles Unit. These are their stories. The victim? Still warm. We got here fast. Got an I.D. yet? They called her “Bessie.” They? The family. Granny and her two granddaughters Lisa and Kelly were in the house. It’ll be fine! We’ll find you a new one. (crying) Let me guess… None of them touched the dishwasher. You’re getting good at this. Back up. They named it “Bessie”? Well, you always name the good ones. We’re talking, what, sixty, maybe seventy years old? Try eighty-five. Are y’all sure you wanna see this? Open it up. Perp ran it on power scrub. Extra rinse. (gagging) Hold it together! Somebody get this rookie outta here! Block the driveway! No one comes on or off this property unless it’s Granny… …or Jesus. We’re gonna catch this monster. Well you won’t have to look very far. Well… Looks like we…tumbled…into some evidence. The press is breathing down my back, Commissioner Fife won’t stop calling and this is your only lead?! A cup?! It’s a Yeti tumbler, Chief. They’re not even dishwasher safe. Look, we know our perp is an idiot. Didn’t you say Kelly thought they could just buy a new skillet? You can’t buy another Holy Grail. You found something? Granny’s last will and testament. There’s an entire page on the mystical powers of that skillet. Mystical powers? Have you ever had cornbread made in a well-seasoned skillet? If it was an accident, Kelly was only hurting herself. Granny willed that skillet to her. Look, accident or not, we have a dead skillet out there and someone must answer for it! Forensic report came back on the tumbler. That someone might not be Kelly. You found DNA? Even better. A monogram. L.M.R.? That’s Lisa! Well that doesn’t make any sense. Well let’s pick her up and make some sense out of it. Y’all mean to tell me y’all never turned that cup around? Oh, Chief, it’s…it’s actually a tumbler. Please tell me y’all found out who ruined Granny’s skillet. Not yet. But we did find this. My tumbler! I’ve been looking everywhere for that! Where’d y’all find it? In the dishwasher. With the skillet. No! Oh! Now it’s ruined like Granny’s skillet. Such a shame. Especially since Granny was gonna pass that down to the next generation. To Kelly. Granny says she’s the best cook in the family. You don’t think so? Oh, I didn’t say that. Well, then you won’t mind, uh, eating some of Kelly’s cornbread. Want us to bring you some buttermilk? No! No, it’s…it’s…it’s fine. Oh no. Do you think we left it out for too long? Nope! Just as fresh as the day it was made. Ugh! It has sugar in it! So Kelly isn’t a great cook? She is the worst! She doesn’t deserve that skillet! And that’s why you put it in the dishwasher! Because if you can’t have that skillet, then no one should! No one in this family is a better cook than me. And you put your tumbler in there too to make it look like Kelly had it out for both of you. She put sugar in her cornbread! You erased decades of seasoning! I was doing that skillet a favor! Two wrongs don’t make a right, Lisa. Hand over your card. You have the right to hush up. Anything you yap on about can be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to call your mama, but…even she ain’t gonna take that call now. Renasant Bank. The best bank in the South. Visit renasantbank.com to learn more.

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