Hey! How you doin’? Today, me an’ Chevron would like to send out a little, ah, thank you. Without a certain special someone, our RICO victory in federal court, would not a’ been possible. That certain special someone, is the very, very honorable, Judge Lewis Kaplan. T’ank you, Judge! Without you, we wouldn’t a’ even thought to file RICO charges against those hippie
environmentalists and villagers, who were complaining about our toxic dump in Ecuador. See, Judge Kaplan was da’ one which suggested dat to us. He said, “you fellas, you oughta’ file RICO charges ‘gainst those whiners.” So’s… we did. Then, normally these cases get randomly assigned to an impartial federal judge, but in this case– bada-boom!– Judge Kaplan assigns the case to himself! (What are the odds!)
You’d think he was on our payroll or something! He’s, ah, not, of course– but he does have a very, very healthy chunk a’ Chevron stock in a mutual fund. Which keeps everybody happy. Capiche? It sure has helped me an’ Chevron to have a federal judge in our corner. These guys are, infallible, like da’ Pope, am I right? Our Judge Kaplan, he’s friggin’ King a’ the World when it comes to the law! He’s shot down the lower court in Ecuador, the appeals court, even their goddamn supreme court, which all ruled against . . . Chevron.
An’ Kaplan don’t even speak Spanish or read the actual case– how’s dat’ for divine intervention!
Never mind that a higher court in the U.S. unanimously overruled Kaplan when he did this, ah, before. Dis’ time, it’ll fuckin’ stick. Our Judge Kaplan says so. ‘Sides being King a’ the World our Judge Kaplan was lookin’ out for our Chevron, ah . . . Family . . . throughout the RICO trial. He refused to use a jury (which might not a’ gone so well for you-know-who), den’, turned over da’ jury room to all the Chevron lawyers, he let Chevron use secret witnesses, and best of all . . . . . . Refused to hear anything– legal, scientific, whatever– about Chevron’s pollution in Ecuador, which started dis’ whole fuckin’ thing!
So’s thank you, Judge Kaplan. You got our back, now we got yours. Kinda like how were taking care of Judge Guerra. and his whole family. We’re all one, big, happy . . . Chevron Family, am I right? Hey look! It’s a couple more Donny Rico videos for you’s to click on. Why aren’t ya clickin’ on it? Click on it! What’s da’ matter with you? You don’t know how to click? Click with da’ mouse! Now!